i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
