I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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