Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
