Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he puts the penis in happiness.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
