so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
