Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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