My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
