Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
