Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
