If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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