dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
