you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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