I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
