I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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