i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
