all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
