I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
