I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
