In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
