I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
