also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
