her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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