I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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