fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize