and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
