Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
