Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
