Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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