I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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