She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
