I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
