it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
