i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You left your phone here
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