I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
