I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
