just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
