I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
