Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
