9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
