Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
