I heard we made out
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
