So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize