sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
