theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
