Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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