i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
