Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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