so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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