im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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