Redeem this text for a blowjob
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
