if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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