Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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