dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
