the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
