WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
