As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
