good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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