So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
