Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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