Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
