one might say we're banned from that church
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
