if i can run in heels then i can drive
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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